When God’s Plan Triumphs

I didn’t study abroad while I was in college.
I chose, instead, to spend four months at a sister school.
In CALIFORNIA.
I had always wanted to see California.
What East Coaster doesn’t want to at least visit?
I fell in love with the city of Santa Barbara.
I loved Westmont College and the people I met there
and the West Coasters in general.
I loved the way strangers would have conversations with me
at Starbucks.
I loved putting smiles on the faces of homeless people when I
bought them meals in the city.
I loved the Pacific Ocean and my church.
I began to wonder if I had been born on the wrong side of the country.

Most importantly,
I loved the feeling of escape.
I was 3,000 miles away from everything.
Nobody on that side of the country knew about my
much fought against attractions to women.
I had left behind so much self-hatred, self-rejection, and embarrassing situations.

So I applied to transfer to Westmont.
I ignored the people who told me that
I would be lucky to be accepted to a small school
that could only fit so many people in its dorm rooms.
And I prayed. I prayed HARD.
This would be the answer to everything.
This would solve my problems.
If Westmont accepted me, I would never go back to the East Coast.
I would never have to face who I am.

But God said no.
He said no.
And I came back to Gordon College,
in Massachusetts.
When I returned to MA,
my clinical Depression and my self-loathing returned to me.
I thought He didn’t love me.
How could He do this to me?

But things worked out.
I got involved with a LGBTG group on campus.
I grew stronger in my faith because of my struggles.
And I came out.
Now I am working to reconcile my sexuality with my faith.
Some gay Christians choose celibacy.
Some choose to leave the church.
I don’t want to choose either of those options.
Some people think that there is no middle ground.
I understand that, but I respectfully disagree.

I can be gay.
I can be Christian.
I can be a gay Christian.
Just like I am a writer, and a singer,
and a woman and so many other things.

I am Kat.
I am NOT an oxymoron, a contradiction.
I am a person with a personality.